Natalia lived alone in a small apartment of just 35 square meters. She earned a good income, but constantly skimped on everything, as if she had no right to her own life.
All her energy went into work and helping others. Natalia took on 24-hour shifts, volunteered for her friends’ projects, and donated money to anyone in need, trying to be helpful.
She and her husband lived in different cities for two years. The marriage formally continued, although they had long since separated. Natalya would occasionally visit their apartment when she was on duty in the other city, help around the house, and then leave again.
The only time she spent taking care of herself was when she was traveling.
She was lonely, despite her friends and travel. Natalia considered her personal life over. She was convinced she was too old for any changes and that relationships would never work out, so all she could do was work, travel, and somehow make herself happy.
Not long before, her mother had died. After her death, she felt a strong sense of guilt. Natalia began punishing herself with work and refused to allow herself to stop.
With the outbreak of full-scale war, she also felt guilt toward those who remained in Ukraine. Natalia helped refugees, took on shifts, and worried that she was safer in Germany than those under fire.
She constantly felt like she wasn’t doing enough. Inside, she felt empty, tired, and hopeless.
Her body couldn’t cope with this pace anymore. Natalia was chronically tired, had gained weight, and was almost completely inactive. She had no energy left for anything.
She was in no rush to seek help, however. Natalya had become accustomed to enduring and gradually resigned herself to the idea that things would continue as they were.
Before entering the methodology, she went to Crete with a friend. There, her friend showed her several episodes of “Analysis with Bil’sky” and told her about friends who had completed the SelfMade Man methodology.
Natalia watched the video, but did not make any decisions at the time.
Upon her return, she discovered she had been robbed. Soon afterward, during an examination, a doctor reported a suspected cancer.
Natalia felt she couldn’t continue her old life. A clear thought entered her mind: “You’re going the wrong way.”
The first step was the methodology
Natalia attended the free “Relationships” webinar and decided to take the first step of the methodology.
During the program, she heard for the first time that it was possible to take into account your own desires, not take responsibility for everyone, and not prove your worth by constantly helping.
“Was that even possible?” Natalya thought.
Natalia was used to asking who and how she could help. The question “What do I want?” almost never arose. Even when she had money and opportunities, choosing something for herself was difficult.
At first, choosing herself seemed wrong. Guilt immediately welled up inside: someone was suffering, someone was having a harder time, someone needed her support. How could she relax, spend money on herself, or focus on her own life in such a situation?
This is what her guilt was saying to her.
Gradually, Natalia realized that this feeling wasn’t new to her. It had accompanied her throughout her life and made her choose others first. But it first appeared in childhood.
Natalia grew up sickly. Her parents argued frequently, and she had to spend a lot of time in hospitals, where she was left alone.
The thought took hold within me that I needed to be patient and wait for now. Something good would definitely happen someday, but for that to happen, I needed to be good.
Love had to be earned. To achieve this, Natalia tried to help, be helpful, participate in everything, and not cause problems for others.
With age, the habit of patience and waiting never disappeared. She continued to live for the needs of others, while putting her own life on hold.
At work, Natalya took on extra shifts. She gave money to her friends and organized entertainment. After the war began, she tried to help as many people as possible. In relationships, she took responsibility and stayed close for years, even though intimacy was no longer an option.
She called it caring for others, but after such help she was left exhausted.
At the first stage, Natalia began to notice the difference between a sincere desire to help and an attempt to earn love. For her, this became an introduction to herself, a part of herself she’d barely heard for many years.
How childhood fear of betrayal affects relationships
While working on herself, Natalia saw why her relationships weren’t working out.
As a child, she feared that someone close to her might abandon or betray her. As an adult, Natalia chose men who made her feel stronger and more confident.
She had assumed from the start that such a man would never leave. With him, she could remain a “star and queen” and fear betrayal less.
This is how both of her marriages were built.
Gradually, Natalia took on more and more responsibility. She worked, earned money, organized vacations, and made decisions. The men around her became even more passive.
Natalia was angry that her partner didn’t support her interests and grow with her. But at the same time, she chose a relationship in which she could control what was happening and not face her fear.
In her second marriage, intimacy disappeared long before she began practicing the methodology. She and her husband lived in different cities, and for many years they had no intimate relationships or shared plans. Natalia believed they had separated, but her husband didn’t accept it.
As she began to change, their conversations changed too.
Previously, her husband would simply get up and leave the room mid-conversation. Now, for the first time, he began listening to Natalia and responding to her. This surprised her so much that she decided to try to restore their relationship and save the family.
During the “Whisper of the Soul” practice, Natalia imagined two scenarios for her life: if she stays in this relationship and if she leaves.
She felt the first path even in her body. She had to imagine herself walking toward her husband, but moving toward him was so difficult, as if she were pushing through metal.
At that moment, Natalia realized she no longer wanted to force herself to stay in a relationship that had long since lost its warmth and intimacy. She decided to choose herself.
She decided to talk to her husband. Natalia found words he could hear. They discussed their lives and acknowledged that they were no longer a family.
That’s how their relationship ended.
Chronic fatigue began to subside. She regained physical energy, and with it, a zest for life.
Previously, Natalia perceived herself as sick and exhausted. Now she felt alive again, able to make changes and cope with her life.
