How to Survive the Death of a Husband and Start Living for Yourself Again

In 2024, Lyudmila’s husband died at the front.

They lived together for only a short time, but they managed to become truly close. Before meeting him, Lyudmila didn’t believe it was possible to fall in love with someone in adulthood and live with them in perfect harmony.

After his death, she didn’t want to live.

She couldn’t imagine waking up in the morning, making plans, and returning home to a place where he was no longer there. She couldn’t see a future and didn’t know what to do with herself.

There was work left to do.

Lyudmila would arrive there in the morning and sit at the computer until late in the evening. Sometimes the workday would last 18 hours. With reports and tasks before her eyes, she could escape the pain she couldn’t cope with.

She held her own in the team. She didn’t allow herself to cry and didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her. She had to manage her employees, solve problems, and appear to be someone who could handle everything.

On weekends, work was no longer a lifesaver.

Lyudmila remained at home, surrounded by photographs and mementos of her husband. Memories and sadness overwhelmed her. She cried and went to the cemetery almost every day.

When I visited my husband’s mother, I saw her in a black headscarf and heard her crying. After such encounters, the pain became even more intense. But in the morning, I had to return to work and pretend to be strong again.

Work no longer helped me forget.

Lyudmila worked at the company for 27 years, starting as a regular accountant and then as a manager for the last eight years.

She once considered this job her life’s work. Now, every meeting irritated her. Tasks had to be completed “yesterday,” and no one cared how many hours they’d require spending at the computer.

Lyudmila would snap at people and be frightened by her condition. Sometimes she felt like she was about to either be rude to someone or turn around and leave.

It was especially painful to see how management treats employees.

To secure a small raise for her subordinates, Lyudmila wrote letters again and again, asking and arguing that they deserved more. She cried from frustration, but she continued to fight for the team. Lyudmila cared about them more than she cared about herself.

She saw professionals who had worked there for thirty years leave the company. After decades of service, they were seen off as if they had no significance.

Lyudmila understood that one day this would happen to her too.

The thought was terrifying. Even more terrifying was the thought of leaving on her own. She had a good salary, a position, and the respect of her colleagues. Lyudmila couldn’t see any other profession for herself.

She felt that she could no longer stay in the same place, but she could not imagine any other life.

There was enough guilt for everyone

After her husband’s death, Lyudmila was especially afraid of losing contact with her son, who had been serving in the army since 2020.

They always treated each other well, but their son rarely talked about his feelings. Lyudmila tried to get him to talk, gave him advice without asking, and continued to control him, even though he had long since grown up.

Behind this control lay anxiety and old guilt.

Lyudmila raised her son alone from the age of three and worked hard to provide for him. She bought him things, paid for trips, and tried to provide him with everything she didn’t have herself.

But she still felt like she hadn’t given him the most important thing – time and attention.

Lyudmila felt guilty towards her parents for another reason: she was convinced she had to dedicate every free day to them.

Even if I worked late all week, I had to go and help on the weekends. There was no time left for my own chores or leisure.

She tried to be everywhere and still lived with the feeling that she was not doing enough.

“I’ll try. What if…”

Lyudmila came across several short videos by Pavel Bilsky on Facebook. They talked about feelings, relationships, and childhood events that continue to influence adulthood.

Some words fell into something she herself could not explain.

Lyudmila understood that after her husband’s death, it wasn’t just the pain of loss that had risen. Resentment, guilt, and a sense of worthlessness had been building up inside her for a long time. Now it was all jumbled together, and she couldn’t sort it out on her own.

She went through a life checkup.

Lyudmila didn’t know if this would lead to change. She thought:

“I’ll try. What if…”

After Checkup, she entered the program at the first level, “Time for Change,” and then continued working on the next levels – “Parents” and “Authenticity.”

She wanted to get over the loss of her husband, understand her relationship with her parents, and stop controlling her son. But first, she had to confront the source of her feeling that she constantly needed to prove her worth.

“I’ve spent my whole life proving that I’m worth something.”

Lyudmila’s parents divorced when she was two years old. She never knew her biological father and only saw him in photographs.

Her mother said he drank, cheated on her, and treated her badly. Lyudmila gradually developed a mental image of a man who one day left and never wanted to see his own daughter again.

There was a feeling left inside:

“He doesn’t need me.”

From the age of five, Lyudmila was raised by her stepfather. He didn’t beat her, but he constantly criticized and verbally humiliated her. He called her lazy, said she did everything wrong, and wouldn’t have achieved anything without him.

He took credit for every one of Lyudmila’s accomplishments. She got an education because he helped her. She found a job because he arranged it for her. She got a promotion because he mentored her. She got an apartment because of him, too.

Next to her stepfather, Lyudmila felt worthless.

The mother found herself caught between her husband and daughter. She was trying to keep the family together, so the girl had to cope with resentment, feelings of inferiority, and prove her worth on her own.

Lyudmila envied children whose parents hugged them, took them on vacation, and asked about their wishes. In her family, the adults were constantly working, building a house, and saving. There was no time for affection or conversation with their daughter.

As she grew older, Lyudmila continued to live in such a way as to prove to her stepfather that he was wrong.

She grew from an ordinary accountant to a manager, learned to solve any problems, got used to relying only on herself and became a “man in a skirt.”

But no matter how hard she worked, she never felt like she was valuable.

At work, Lyudmila saved her subordinates. At home, she tried to be a good daughter. She wanted to be like two parents to her son.

Caring for her loved ones was mixed with the fear that they would not cope without her, and if she refused, they would stop loving her.