Based on a true story. Names, countries, and other recognizable details have been changed or omitted.
Almost every night before going to bed she asked herself the same question:
“Why is this happening to me?”
She woke up at five or six in the morning. On her way to work, she’d open her laptop and study at an online university. Her studies ran alongside her full-time job as a manager at a large company.
The journey took several hours a day. During a single shift, she walked between twenty and forty thousand steps, resolving employee issues and being responsible for a large team.
I returned home exhausted. But rest was impossible.
She had to cook for her husband, taking into account his dietary restrictions, feed his son separately, wash the dishes, and tidy up the apartment. On the weekends, she had to clean, shop, and do other household chores.
Her husband suffered from panic attacks. His son had asthma since childhood. If anyone got sick, she would buy groceries, cook, and care for him.
Even when she herself felt bad.
She was used to being the one who saved others. At work, she supported her coworkers, took care of her family at home, and tried to help her parents from a distance. Everyone was constantly in need, but there was no room for her own “I’m having a hard time.”
Work gradually became a way to spend less time at home.
Things were tough at the office, but at least she knew what to do. At home, she faced stress, more demands, and a relationship in which she hadn’t felt happy for a long time.
She once traveled, played the violin in front of large audiences, and dreamed of writing music. After marriage and moving, this part of her life almost disappeared.
She became a wife, stepmother, student, and manager. Musician was no longer among these roles.
When the body can no longer withstand
Several years of such a life took a toll on my health.
Inflammation and severe pain began. Sometimes after work, her husband took her to the emergency room. Treatments provided temporary relief, but the problem returned.
Things were getting worse at home. A simple conversation could escalate into a conflict, causing her to lose control. Sometimes she even hurt herself, just to make her husband stop and see how bad she was.
After one of these conflicts, she called a psychotherapist.
The specialist advised her to pack her things and leave. She herself already understood that the marriage was over for her.
But she didn’t leave.
She was awaiting a decision on her citizenship and feared that a divorce would ruin the process, which had been going on for several years. So she continued to live with her husband and pretended everything was fine.
Now I had to not only take care of everyone and endure the stress, but also hide the decision I had made inside.
After a few months, the pain became so severe that surgery was required.
Before the anesthesia, she looked into the surgeon’s eyes and feared she would never wake up. At that moment, she had no thoughts of work, paperwork, or responsibilities.
She thought about how many years she had lived for others and how little of this life she had.
As she fell asleep, she made a promise to herself:
“If I wake up, I will never waste my life again.”
First decision after surgery
The operation was successful.
While on sick leave, she was scrolling through social media and saw a short segment about life scenarios. It discussed why similar events can repeat themselves in life and how inner feelings influence a person’s decisions.
She watched for a few minutes and followed the link to Life Checkup.
Before this, she knew nothing about the SelfMade Man methodology and hadn’t followed its authors. But at that moment, she felt she’d heard exactly what she’d been trying to understand for a long time.
She returned to the Checkup materials several times, performing the practices and observing her reactions. Gradually, she began to notice a connection between her feelings of guilt, her habit of saving others, and the events of her own life.
After Checkup, she entered the first stage of the methodology – “Time for Change”.
One of the most unusual questions was a simple one:
“What do I want?”
Previously, she focused on the needs of her husband, his son, her parents, her coworkers, and her employer. Her own desires seemed secondary. Sometimes she couldn’t even figure out whether she had any.
Now she had to figure out why choosing herself was so difficult.
She learned to endure and save
During writing practices, childhood events began to return.
Her mother worked as a pediatrician. She was kind, attentive, and gentle with her young patients. Those around her saw a caring professional and couldn’t believe that this woman was cruel to her own daughter at home.
Punishments could be imposed for a grade, a poorly written letter, or for being “ungrateful.” Beatings resulted in injuries, broken noses, and calls to the emergency room.
But even the adults she turned to for help didn’t believe her.
Everyone knew her mother as a good doctor and a kind woman. The child’s words seemed like a lie.
It was different with her father. He lost a leg when his daughter was young, after which he began drinking and developed other addictions. Her mother humiliated him in front of her, ridiculed him, and tried to win her over to her side.
The child found himself between two adults. Mom had to be obeyed, and dad had to be pitied.
When her mother was causing pain to her, her father remained nearby, but did not protect his daughter.
She couldn’t save her dad, and her dad couldn’t save her.
This is how she began to feel like her pain was irrelevant. If she remained herself, she wouldn’t be chosen or protected.
To maintain relationships with loved ones, the girl learned to read their moods, be patient, help, and become indispensable. Being angry with her mother was terrifying. Being angry with her father was also unacceptable, as he was the one to be pitied.
All the aggression remained inside. Over time, it turned into anxiety and a desire to punish myself.
As an adult, she continued to live by the same rules. She married a man for whom she didn’t feel deep love, because she believed he loved her, and therefore had finally chosen her.
In her marriage, she again saved, endured, and tried to earn good treatment. Other people’s health and well-being remained more important than her own condition.
When the tension became unbearable, the accumulated anger was directed at oneself.
She only saw this connection while working in methodology.
