Nice Guy Syndrome: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Start Living Your Life

A week before the outbreak of full-scale war, the company offered Taras a temporary relocation to Bulgaria. He accepted and left with the girl he was dating at the time. Taras was confident he would soon return home.

But on February 24, he found himself safe in another country, while his parents and friends were not. Taras felt guilty and ashamed that he was far away and out of danger.

Around this time, he and his girlfriend began to drift apart and soon broke up. Taras took the breakup hard and didn’t know how to cope with the pain.

Everything came together: fear for his loved ones, guilt for his own safety, shame, and separation. The spring of 2022 became the darkest period of his life.

Even before the move, Taras had been trying to come to terms with his condition. He visited several therapists and learned to talk about his feelings. One of the specialists told him, “You clearly lack self-love.”

Taras sensed the truth in these words, but he didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t know what he wanted, what he liked, or what brought him joy. He often gave up his own interests, avoided conflict, and tried to earn the goodwill of others.

To take his mind off his troubles, Taras went to Milan. Before the trip, he downloaded a video about self-love and listened to it several times while walking around the city. He recognized his own thoughts and reactions in what he heard.

Soon he came across an advertisement by Pavel Bilsky with the phrase “Ambassador of self-love.”

By that time, Taras had been following Pavel for about two years: he’d watched his videos, read his book, and saved the SelfMade Man program to his bookmarks. Previously, he couldn’t afford to participate financially.

Taras now had a specific need that talking to psychotherapists hadn’t helped him resolve. He wanted to understand what self-hatred was and how to work with the feelings that were preventing him from living a peaceful life.

Taras immediately booked a place in the program, without waiting for the webinars.

How does Nice Guy syndrome manifest itself?

Before the methodology, Taras had already encountered the concept of “nice guy syndrome” and recognized his own behavior in it.

He tried to please everyone, avoided conflict, and rarely showed emotions that might offend anyone. If someone needed help, Taras immediately stepped in. It was important for him to hear, “Taras, you’re awesome” or “You’re so great.”

For such approval, he readily abandoned his own interests. But Taras himself had little idea what he wanted to do, what kind of people he liked, or what brought him pleasure.

At the first stage of his methodology, he saw that behind the desire to be good lay an attempt to earn love. Taras helped and agreed because he feared others’ discontent and rejection.

At first, it seemed to him that it was enough to find out the reasons for his behavior, perform the practices, and in a couple of weeks he would become a completely new person.

“Now I’ll write everything down and meet the new Taras,” he thought.

No new Taras appeared in a month. But he received a wealth of information about himself and began to notice his patterns in everyday life.

A buddy—a partner in the program—helped with this. Every morning, Taras would come to work, make coffee, go up to the roof, and call him. They would talk for an hour or an hour and a half, discussing practices, recalling similar situations, and sharing their feelings.

Working through painful episodes wasn’t easy. But for the first time, Taras understood what was happening inside him and how to work through it.

Where did the habit of deserving love come from?

Taras long considered his childhood normal. His parents were good, and he didn’t remember any difficult experiences. He even spoke of punishments as usual: “Well, they beat me, but they deserved it.”

At the second stage, “Parents,” small episodes began to emerge in his memory that he had not previously attached any importance to.

One of them happened at the dentist. As a child, Taras had sensitive teeth, so he twitched during the procedure. His mother offered to hold him so the dentist wouldn’t interfere with the procedure.

At that moment, Taras wanted his mother to protect him: to ask for pain relief, to stop the doctor, or to reschedule the treatment. He perceived her offer as a true betrayal. As a child, he felt as if his mother had taken the wrong side, and it was painful both physically and emotionally.

Years later, Taras came to see the situation differently. His mother noticed his son had a toothache, found a doctor, spent time and money, led him by the hand, and wanted the treatment to work.

He once interpreted his mother’s concern as a refusal to protect him. This childhood interpretation remained within him and affected their relationship.

Around his mother, Taras tried to be an obedient child and not cause trouble. He later carried the same scenario into his relationships with women.

If a girl’s mood soured, Taras immediately looked for the cause within himself. He felt guilty and ashamed, trying to quickly fix everything and restore her goodwill. To do this, he suppressed his own emotions and agreed even when something didn’t suit him.

Love became a reward to be earned through correct behavior.

How father’s rejection influenced male configuration

In his relationship with his father, Taras saw a different scenario.

He often heard from his mother that his father was relaxing, lying on the couch, and watching TV. Gradually, a decision emerged within him: “I don’t want to be like Dad.”

There was also his own resentment. As a child, Taras lacked his father’s attention. His mother took him to extracurricular activities. His father didn’t ask about his grades, didn’t introduce his son to the male world, and didn’t teach him what Taras considered essential masculine skills: working with his hands, fixing a faucet, and handling household chores.

Taras felt his father had failed him in something important. At the same time, he rejected everything he associated with his father.

Taras saw in the methodology how this decision affected his relationships with men. Competition terrified him. If there was a risk of conflict, he would give in and give the other person first place.

Taras was concerned that no one would think ill of him. So he would “throw in the white flag” before he had time to test his strength.

Thus, the Nice Guy syndrome manifested itself in various ways. With women, Taras earned their love and blamed himself for their dissatisfaction. With men, he avoided competition and was afraid to defend his place.

He lived for the good treatment of other people and understood less and less what he himself was like.

How working with parents changes the way they feel about themselves

During his practices, Taras returned to childhood situations and analyzed what happened then and how he perceived it.

Gradually, he began to see real people and their stories behind the complaints. Taras began to see his parents’ paths, their actions, and their human qualities in a new light. The usual resentments were replaced by respect, warmth, and gratitude.

He compared the process to a hot air balloon. The balloon has the strength to rise, but the basket contains sandbags. When you release them one by one, the lift becomes easier.

About a year and a half after the start of the program, Taras’s mother died.

At the time, he was in another country and couldn’t be there. Previously, such a situation would almost certainly have caused intense guilt: his mother had died, and he hadn’t come and participated in the farewell.

But inside, Taras felt warmth and gratitude. He thought about having such a mother, recalling her life and their relationship. Working through his grievances allowed him to say goodbye to her without the previous burden of guilt and shame.

Communication with his dad has also changed. Previously, Taras would ignore his calls and avoid anything that reminded him of him. Now they talk on the phone often, joke around, and laugh. Taras has become interested in talking to him and getting to know him as a person.

Closeness appeared where previously there had been childish grievances between them.